(2/27)
i was standing in line at the super market, when somebody bumped into me with their shopping cart. i announce loudly, "WHAT ARE YOU, RETARDED?" only to turn around and see a doe eyed puzzled down syndrome man looking back at me

(2/28)
september 11th 2001 was the worst day of my life. i turned on the news and saw sheer destruction and chaos, fear and confusion, mangled corpses, an utter lack of humanity. i quickly ran to the phone to tell my mother the horror i had seen, when i tripped over my gameboy color and broke it into a dozen pieces. i'll never get that gameboy back...

(3/1)
my mom told me that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. shows what that cunt knows, she died of brain cancer the next month. score 1, me

(3/2)
i was cutting onions earlier when i noticed tears rolling down my face. mom used to cut onions just like that, before the car accident...

(3/3)
man, my dad has always been the biggest hypocrite. yesterday he told me that i need to stand up for myself. i got so mad i almost shoved him off his wheelchair.

(3/4)
why is 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 is a proud neo nazi

(3/5)
i heard laughter was the best medicine so i went to a children's hospital and laughed at a bunch of kids with terminal diseases

(3/6)
i bought hungry hungry hippos: concentration camp edition today. there are 6 million hippos that fight over 3 balls. it is the most intense game i have ever played.

(3/14)
when he was young, i dropped my son on his head, my wife completely freaked out and panicked. shows what she knew, now he's the brightest kid in his special ed class.